Another Year Older, A Decade Wiser

Today was my 30th birthday. Its weird. 30 is all grown up....old.

I took it easy today, and kept the day low key. I napped (which is why I'm now blogging at midnight) and then we went to dinner- a restaurant where there were TV's in the booths so the kids were happy, which meant Zach and I could gorge and relax.

When I think about being 30, I realize I missed my 20's. I got pregnant with Zachary just a few months after my 20th birthday and its been uphill since then. Big Zach and I felt terribly guilty about having an unplanned pregnancy when we were so young and so unprepared. We swore to work ourselves near death to make up for it. We swore we'd sacrifice every minute of fun to save, plan, work, and create a stable life for a our kid. Its been tight budgets, nights at home, long hours at work, and feeling like we were in our 40's since then.

Most days were the same- work, sleep, work, sleep. Our friends moved on with life, enjoying hobbies, traveling, partying.

Its been 10 years. Life doesn't seem much easier. There is always a crisis around the bend, or some sort of turmoil lurking somewhere to keep us from exhaling. I'm starting to wonder if it was worth it to quit living for today in exchange for the hope of a better tomorrow.

Our formula crisis erupted at about the moment Zach and I thought we had made it. We had saved money for a house, gotten our finances in order, Zach's career was on its way, and we felt ready to live the life we had worked for. It seemed we had reached the light at the end of the tunnel and we were nearly ready to breathe relief after all these years. We thought we had gone from being two young dumb kids that made a big mistake, to responsible adults that came out on the other side.

Our latest crisis has certainly thrown a nearly impossible wrench into our situation. However, its forced me to come to an incredibly huge realization.

I have to stop living for tomorrow.

Tomorrow won't be easier because I didn't spend 20$ on a properly sized pair of jeans for myself.

Tomorrow won't be easier because I didn't take my kids to the movies every once in a while.

Tomorrow won't be easier if we stay home today.

Tomorrow won't be easier if I hold my breath today.

Tomorrow won't be easier if we miss out on today.

Tomorrow won't be easier because we don't have fun today.

Living like that means that "tomorrow" never comes. The distant idea of a "tomorrow" that is without crisis or worry isn't real.

It is perfectly okay to live (a little) today. Somehow, this cripplingly bad news makes me feel free. I know, I know. That's insane. But its not. Whats that saying? Life is about learning to dance in the rain...or something like that?

Yeah, its like that. Just like that. Thank you for the wake up call, God. I'm not going to miss my 30's. I will enjoy my wonderful husband, my amazing children, our friends, our family, the little things and the big things everyday.