It always takes me a few days. I walk into these appointments and tests as stoic as is possible.
I am the rock.
I am the advocate.
I am the mama bear.
Its my job to serve as her strength.
I cover her eyes when they take her blood. I help hold her down when they cover her face with that mask. I promise her its almost over. Just one more appointment. I hear the news, shake hands, thank them for their time, bundle up my daughter, and go home promising her a new dolly or stuffed animal from the toy store for being a brave girl. I hold her hand so that she can soldier on. I go home and read for hours on the internet searching for answers.
It isn't until everyone is in bed for the night that I sit down and feel that big let down. The reality that its not getting better and the opportunity for things to get better is quickly slipping away. I am scared for her and devastated that I can't fix this for her. Did I just say that out loud? I want there to be hope that things will be normal.
When the house gets quiet I remember for just a moment that I am living this nightmare too.
The human body needs a small intestine. There are interventions, options, solutions if it were any other part of the GI system. But for us there are shrugs and slim chances. The only doctors experienced in her health problems are hundreds of miles away. The ceiling could come crashing in at any moment and who could help?
Sure, things could be worse. I absolutely know others who deal with far more than I could fathom getting out of bed with. I admire them for their courageous fights and wish I were that strong too. I pray that God gives me that strength everyday.
And He does. He does even when I doubt that He will.
I feel sad, worried, and terrified but I'm not giving up. I know that we have strength here on earth and up above that will keep us going together. Say it again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I have to remind myself of that more often. Over and over and over again.
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5 comments:
Hang in there Erin!! Lean on HIM and he will get you through this.
Melissa
You know you can always call me and cry if you want to. Or when you come over. You don't have to be strong in front of me.
I am amazed at how you deal with everything. Lucy is so incredibly lucky to have you for a mother.
I love you!
I think as moms we are looked upon as the rocks of our families. The ones that HAVE keep the family together and strong all while staying poised and focused. Um no! As mothers, we often forget that we are fragile beings who often feel so deeply it will take our breath away. We scare easily and even more so when it's our babies. Your journey is a painful one, not only because of what you have to deal with, but because you have NO CONTROL it, no real answers on how to solve it. It's a helpless feeling that can leave you desperate and lonely. I'm sure you don't want advice but please take care of yourself while navigating this journey with your precious baby. Meditate, journal, drink tea,and breath deeply.
You sound like an amazing and loving mother!Your little one's are lucky to you and vice versa.
I pray that you find answers soon.
hey girl. dont worry. youre amazing and dont know that i could do what you do everyday. remember what we talked about. highs and lows. you can do this. i believe in you. more then ever.
Erin,
i know ive said this before but u realy r a wonderful, strong, mother!!! I admire u and wish i was more like u !!, Lucy is so lucky to have u in her life!, I know how hard it is to watch ur child b sick,( and mine isnt anything compared to what u r dealing with) u r doing amazing!!!! I pray for Lucy every day and I am ALWAYS here if u need to talk! I love u and miss u !!!
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